


Light Long Lost In Darkness

by willobert



Category: The Royals (TV 2015)
Genre: AND HURT ROBERT, Angst, BUT ITS NOT HAPPY, F/M, HONESTLY IF YOU WANNA CRY YOUR EYES OUT READ IT, IDK WHY AM I LIKE THIS, ITS HORRIBLE, i love pain, like at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 23:20:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14681565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willobert/pseuds/willobert
Summary: Robert wasn't sure if he was sane anymore, and he didn't know if he cared.





	Light Long Lost In Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Terribly sorry. I know we got our happy ending but this was in my head and i had to.  
> AGAIN, i'm sorry.  
> I promise i will write fluff....one day.

Robert Henstridge, the king of England, although God knows for how much more long, has stood in front of the window. The sky looked dark, although it didn’t matter to Robert in a long time. It could be the sunniest day, yet he still couldn’t be able to tell the difference.

He didn’t tilt his head, nor turn his gaze. As that familiar burn wrapped around his chest, breathing became harder. It wasn’t a burden on his chest anymore, it stopped being just that long ago.

His whole body, for the past two years, have felt that amazing burden. He felt so exhausted now, even taking steps were hard. But there was also this burning feeling around his heart, and sometimes Robert wondered how he could bear this much pain and still not be dead by it.

“She went to kindergarten today. For the first time.”

He spoke, his words almost a whisper. Then he finally turned his gaze, and saw Willow standing a few steps away from him.

She had that pure and proud smile on her face, her hair was a little messy… She was wearing a floral dress and Robert couldn’t speak for a minute.

That smile had always got him. From the first moment she smiled at him after her Harry Potter questions, Willow always wrapped him around her finger with that smile.

“I hope she makes friends.” She said, her voice so sweet. Robert felt himself smile, but the pain inside didn’t lessen a bit.

“I hope so too,” he added. “She was a little shy.”

Their daughter, Elizabeth, was hesitant at going to kindergarten. At the age of 5, she was more brilliant than most kids and she was the light of Robert’s life, but she was also a tough kid to deal with.

“I’m sure she will get over it.” Willow added, holding her arms in front of her chest. “She is loved by many and she has the charm. She got that from you.”

Robert felt his smile grow bigger, as he turned his eyes back to the window. It was impossible to miss the proud feelings of a mother in Willow’s eyes.

He always knew she was going to be an amazing mother, anyway. And he was right. From the moment she became pregnant, to the first moment they held Elizabeth in their arms, Willow has been nothing but astonishing.

“Are you okay?” She asked, the emphasize on ‘you’ quite clear. Robert didn’t answer for a second, his face was blank.

“Cyrus and Liam are going to make a campaign,” he said finally, making sure his voice is as flat as it can get. “To test my mental health.”

“They wouldn’t.” Willow replied, sounding shocked and a little angry. Robert shrugged, still not looking at her.

“They don’t think i’m fit to be a king anymore. And to be honest sometimes, i wonder if i am too…”

“Robbie…”

She must have caught the hurt in his voice. Her voice became softer and Robert smiled again, because he didn’t want her pity.

She stopped then, her gaze following his hand. Upon seeing the bandage on it, she scowled.

“Your hand…What happened?”

That made Robert look at his hand. He got lost in his thoughts for a second, remembering the moment.

“I was holding a glass yesterday… I guess i squeezed it too hard,” he said, smiling a little, but the pain was obvious in his voice. When Willow gave him a look, implying that she doesn’t believe him, Robert looked away.

“I was thinking of… You know.” He cleared his throat, suddenly speaking became a lot harder. There was this lump in his throat, making it harder to say anything without crying.

But he wasn’t going to cry. He cried a lot that day. And he didn’t allow himself to cry ever since.

He didn’t say the rest. It was best for her to think that he hurt himself by accident. She didn’t need to know he hurt himself on purpose to see if he could still feel anything.

“Robert… You should let it go.”

Robert looked at her, fast and sharp. The tears were shining in his eyes, yet his expression was as cold as it got.

On the other hand Willow’s expression… Hell, she was looking at him with the kindest eyes.

“You have to forgive yourself.” She said, and Robert felt his vision getting blurry because of tears.

“No.” Robert said, short but clear. He didn’t have to do anything, let alone forgive himself. He would never forgive himself.

Or anyone else. Forgiveness was never a strong suit of his yet when Willow went away, the little pieces were gone too.

“I hated them,” he said, his voice thicker now, as he faced the dark sky once again. “That day… After you…”

“You can say it, you know.” Willow said softly, planting a hurt smile on his face.

“The day you died,” Robert said, “and i didn’t leave the room for a whole day. But from the windows, i could hear people.” He continued, pain sharper than ever.

“I could hear people say, ‘The queen is dead, long live the king.’ And i hated them for it.”

“Robbie…”

“I still do.” Robert continued. “Because when you died, the only thing i wanted was to die. Not to hear them cheer for my long and empty life.”

“You have to be strong for her,” Willow said, and Robert gulped.

He knew he had to be strong for Elizabeth. Their daughter, who has lost her mother when she was only 3 years old, didn’t have anyone else.

But the fact that Elizabeth looked so much like Willow didn’t help. Her eyes were the same shade as her mother’s, and they had the same kindness in them.

And he tried, God knows he did. He even left Willow’s lifeless body after hours, to go and see his daughter. He looked like a ghost back then, he was sure. His face pale, his eyes red from crying for his love. But he knew he had to see Elizabeth. And explain her what happened.

He remembered kneeling down in front of her so they would be the same height. He also remembered how scared and upset Elizabeth looked.

He also remembered how he had to hold her after she cried herself to sleep because she missed “mommy”, not being able to say or do anything other than being ripped apart on the inside.

“That means less drinking.” Willow continued. Ghost Willow, or Robert’s imagination, Robert didn’t know anymore. He didn’t care. He was used to having her around and he didn’t care that Cyrus or Liam would use this against him to prove he isn’t really sane anymore because he kept talking to her when there was noone there.

He missed her. Even if she was a part of Robert’s imagination… Just like how he saw Kathryn at the island and his father before the ceremony, now he kept seeing Willow.

“I am trying.” Was the only thing he could mutter in the end. He was. After all the sorrow and mourning, the drinking helped a little. It made him feel numb and with all the pain he was feeling constantly, the numbness alcohol offered was a gift.

It was supposed to help with his memory too, but it never did. Robert tried so hard to kill it all away, to forget the moment the love of his life passed away in his arms… His helplessness… But he could still remember _everything_.

Every little detail… From the way Willow’s hair felt on his fingers to how pale her skin looked.

It was a nightmare, every day.

Sleep was supposed to make it better, but it didn’t. He kept dreaming about her, especially right after her death. And she was always so happy, smiling at him… He woke up even more heartbroken than before.

It was weird, really. Before Willow’s death, Robert didn’t know you could wake up crying.

But he found himself sitting on the bed, panting, with that horrible pain in his chest and tears on his face.

“Try harder.” Willow finally said, or it was Robert’s logic, he didn’t know. He wasn’t doing good. He wasn’t that active on things as the king anymore and he barely planned anything.

All of his life was pain. And Elizabeth.

“Elizabeth deserves your best,” She continued. “And when you are at your best… There is just noone better.”

Robert gulped, tears forcing him now. He knew Elizabeth deserved better. She didn’t deserve a father who tried to numb himself all the time, spending all of his awake moments mourning. But he simply couldn’t find the power in himself to rise again.

Willow was his salvation. She made him happier, she brought light in his life. She gave him a purpose, other than simply being a king.

And now she was gone, so were all of the purposes. All of the light.

It has never been darker in Robert’s world.

“Daddy?”

Robert turned around suddenly, looking down at his daughter. Elizabeth was standing near the door, rubbing her eyes… Her light brown hair was down and she was holding a teddy bear.

He didn’t even hear her come in.

“Elizabeth? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah… I couldn’t sleep.” She said, taking small steps towards Robert. “Who were you talking to, daddy?”

Robert kneeled once again, so their heights could be the same. He caressed Elizabeth’s hair, trying to smile.

“Your mother.”

“Mommy?” Elizabeth opened her eyes wide. “But you can’t talk to her. She is dead.”

“That doesn’t mean we can’t still speak with her.”

“No?”

“No.” Robert said, his daughter’s innocence warmed up his heart. “It’s good to talk with her sometimes. To remember her… And remember, she can hear us.”

Elizabeth seemed to think what Robert said for a minute, then whispered. “Then… Can she hear me too?”

“Of course she can.”

But Elizabeth didn’t look happy. Instead she became sadder.

“Oh no!”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“The other day, i was talking with Alice,” she said, mentioning her friend. “And i said i missed mommy. She must have heard me then. And she must have felt bad.”

“Elizabeth…” Robert muttered, because he didn’t know what to say. As he looked at his daughter’s sad eyes, his heart started to burn once again.

“I’m sure your mother knows that. And she misses you too. So don’t ever feel sorry about saying how you feel, okay?”

Elizabeth nodded, clearly relieved by her father’s words. A moment of silence passed and Robert couldn’t help but feel hurt on the behalf of his daughter.

She was only 3 years old when it happened. She barely remembered Willow, and it pained him dearly because Willow was a woman worth remembering.

Elizabeth needed to know how amazing and kind her mother was. 

“Are you sad again, daddy?”

Elizabeth asked, distracting Robert. He looked at her, forcing a smile.

“No, why?”

“Your eyes look like it…” Elizabeth whispered and it was like a knife to Robert’s heart.

His five years old already knew he was sad by looking at his eyes.

“I’m better now that you are here,” Robert replied. “Do you want me to read you a bedtime story?”

Elizabeth shook her head, implying no. “I want to stay up and watch Harry Potter!”

“Again? We watched it just two days ago.”

Elizabeth shrugged. “You said it was mommy’s favorite. Please daddy.”

Robert looked at his daughter’s begging eyes and he knew he lost. There was no way in hell he could say no to her.

“Fine. But only one movie. Then you go to bed.”

Elizabeth started jumping around happily, while chanting “Yes! Yes! Yes!”

Robert stood up and watched his daughter, and he felt a smile creeping up on his face, perhaps sincerely for the first time in two years.

He might have lost the light of his life when Willow passed away. But with Elizabeth, there was a gleam in it once again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
